The Decider Makes One Last Declaration

With George Bush's final State-of-the-Union address coming up tonight, I wonder how best to spend my time...should I turn on the T.V. and flip back and forth from the president's speech to search for the far more amusing commentary by Jon Stewart or Dennis Miller... I long for the days of The State of the Union Undressed... but then this president needs no help in making fun of himself. In fact, he can do it better than most comedians, to the extent that all the late night jockeys need to do is simply reference his antics and mannerisms to get laughs.

Take Jay Leno's exclusive interview for example:



I can only hope that in this final address, we get more beautiful linguistic gems such as these:




Will I be glued to the TV tonight? Probably not. Will I listen to the wrap-ups later, definitely. But if you're still not convinced that this monumental occasion needs to be immortalized in your memory; If you don't realize that this state of the union is something that the next generation will ask you about in 20 years... well, then listen to Brian Unger's Pitch for the Speech, and get in the spirit. Thanks NPR.

Tetris vs. Drew Carey

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Yes, portly prime-time funnyman Drew Carey is back and tackling the late morning game show crowd: those senior citizens retired and propped like plants in front of the bright lights of the T.V. sets, or college kids hung over and stoned, watching the T.V. in lieu of moving from the cold embrace of the couch, or those of us who at home on a weekday, turn the T.V. on over a bowl of cereal to be entertained for a short period of time.

This is Bob Barker's crowd and while part of me wishes that he could still stay on the air, it is a wish to have the Bob Barker of 15 years ago, the sexual harassment Barker, propositioning his models and doling out kisses to the cute girls who guess their way on stage.

In the recent past, it has been scary to watch him, worrying that the same young girls he once philandered might break him in half in an embrace.

Yet, his replacement leaves me skeptical. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of Drew Carey. My late night T.V. schedule used to include his sitcom in perpetual syndication...back when Ryan Stiles wasn't doing lame commercials and while actress Christa Miller was still cute and lovable "Kate," rather than Scrub's bitchtastic "Jordan."

And while the format of Price is Right suits Carey more than the short lived: Who's Line is it Anyway, where his improvisational skills were painful to watch, the show still has nothing of his personality. Save for changing the entire set to a livingroom in Cleveland, he is little more than a talking head, delivering one-liners on Bob Barker's out-dated 1970's themed set.

Is this the best that we as Americans can offer? Shouldn't game shows challenge the contestants and amuse the audience. Thanks to the discovery of brazen explorer Ellen Degeneres and my roommate passing on his second-hand knowledge, I've discovered that there can be a better way. Once again, Japan has proven that it is far superior to the U.S., not just in terms of Cars, or Comics, or Anime, or Video Games, or Electronics, but now in terms of television shows aswell.

The T.V. show, aptly called: "Human Tetris," in the YouTube postings is clever, interactive and ridiculous. It thrills in the same way that Sabado Gigante thrills on the spanish language channels, by putting contestants in ridiculous situations where all we can do is laugh at them. Sure, Drew Carey can make jokes and ridicule the contestants on The Price is Right, but he won't. And the contestants won't fall into a pool of water either. Their are no consequences and so there is no excitement as viewers.

So what is the point of this rant? Should American Gladiators move to the morning hours? Do we need to mimic the Japanese to be successful? What other alternatives should there be, to face off against the drudgery of courtroom dramas and soap operas?

The unfortunate answer is: I don't know, nor am I in a position to do anything but gripe and kvetch, but as soon as the writer's strike settles, I'm hoping someone will put an ounce of creativity toward finding a solution. And maybe, just maybe, through clever uses of humor, physicality and humiliation, America can claw its way to the top once more.

Mighty Mammal Mars Beach

New Years day became more than a simple family vacation to Cannon Beach. Looking for something to do on this not-so-average weekday when most of the stores in this quaint Oregon Beach town were closed, my family and I wandered into the depths of Ecola State Park. The wilderness here is breathtaking. We strolled from the upper peninsula where an older couple offers binoculars and brochures for whale watching, through a winding trail that leads up some steep elevation before turning downhill and curling its way along the cliff-side down to the beach-head below.

On the upper peninsula we were led to believe that there were no whales in the water that day, at least nothing visible, when normally the Grey Whales are in full procession to their winter haunts in Baja California. So, we gave up our voyeuristic impulses to relish the hike, letting Revi wander ahead of us on the trails to be our canine compass and first line of communication with all passing hikers.

For a good mile we wandered, marveling at both the standing trees coated in moss, and their fallen brethren who were toppled during the massive storm that hit the region a month ago. Throughout the hike, while the path was clear (though mud-caked) many trees were ruptured, their splintered innards exposed to the elements. Yet, when we came to the top of a prominent cliff-side, we saw a white body laying on the beach below.

At first glance we couldn't determine what exactly was there, it was a great distance away, laying isolated in a cove behind sharp rocks, well away from the path we were on. Yet, using the power of technology I was able to capture a shot of the creature, and on my digital camera zoom into the photo until the distinct fins and tail of the whale were discernible. How such a creature dies and washes up to the beach is a mystery.

Apparently the deadly Orcas are responsible for the death of many a baby Grey whale, and perhaps were culpable here as well. A fearsome hit-squad patrolling the choppy seas of the Pacific. We couldn't determine how to get a closer look, but the carcass was clearly a marvel to behold, even from the gargoyle's perspective.

Strange then that someone would exploit this body, trying to steal the jaw for the sake of rare whale teeth. If human appendages were so prized, what would stop criminals from raiding the morgues and coroner's offices?

Who knows what the whale's last thoughts were before it washed up on the beach, or what level of consciousness it had to begin with. Yet, regardless of how the authorities dispose of the body, it is clear that they won't be able to bury it with the proper respect befitting the majesty of the creature.

I guess we can find some small comfort that the authorities are smart enough now not to explode it. But for one Colorado family, the appearance of a dead whale on an otherwise glorious hike, infused our trip to the Oregon Coast with morbid curiosity.